samedi, août 21, 2010

Medical Miracles

We began dismissing people from the Arena of Ideas years ago. It doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. But hope springs eternal. As it turns out, there are medical facilities adjacent to the arena that may be able to help. Please pay attention, as this may be your only hope for continued participation.

If you believe that one major political party governs by hope, and the other by fear, please report to the medical tent, where your ears will be checked. Your left, or possibly your right ear is obviously blocked to the point of not hearing both parties make that ridiculous statement. The party shills who make such statements don't even believe themselves. Then again, it might not be your hearing. If you believe there is more than a cosmetic difference between the current ruling camps, then a parasite may have actually eaten away half of your brain. If the procedure to remove the parasite isn't destructively invasive, you may be allowed back into the arena after the requisite bed rest and antibiotics.

Similar procedures will be necessary for everyone who thinks that the news media they like isn't biased, and that the media they don't like is politically partisan. Sadly, a preponderance of people in this category will never be allowed to re-enter, whereas the medical issue has less to do with hearing or cranial parasites, and more to do with the fact that doctors have yet to perfect a technique for removing the head from the anus. Recent studies have shown very little post-operative brain activity. Some doctors claim we cannot blame the procedure, postulating that there was not measurable activity prior to extraction. Either way, admittance to the arena of ideas is revoked for individuals in this category for the foreseeable future.

Specialists are now claiming they can help people who have been banned from the arena based on their insane, unhistorical belief that radical islamists can be negotiated with, or that victims of terrorism are in any way to blame, or that they will like us more or less depending on who the president is, or who or what he/she does, or worse, that the current president is any less of a mismanaging war monger than the last one. As it turns out, a recently invented scanning technique is able to detect the pink cotton candy that has grown like padding around your heart, migrated north and corrupted the channels of logic and historical analysis in your brain. Copious doses of antibiotic reality are showing results that give the victims of this disorder hope of returning to the debate.

There remain large, idea-deficient demographics who cannot yet be helped by medical science. Those who have been removed from the arena based on their insidious use of the term "FREE universal health care," individuals who think they can blame economic woes on the people they disagree with morally, double standard bearers who think that freedom of expression only applies to the people they like (i.e. people who fret about a hick burning the Koran and never batted an eye when the virgin mary was ensconced in elephant dung) and 100% of the people who stopped "protesting" the war when the current administration began prosecuting it, are drinking such a unique brand of especially poisonous kool-aid that doctors and researchers have nearly given up hope of finding an antidote. These groups must be excluded from the Arena of Ideas until a cure is found, lest their idiocy prove contagious and contaminate the idea pool.

To those of you on the outside looking in, hoping for a medical miracle, please understand that you have our deepest sympathies. We trust, as always, that science will prevail.

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