lundi, novembre 24, 2008

All Apologies

As the act of blogging begins to feel pointless (which, I suspect, might just be the very point at which it begins to have a point) I feel to abuse the medium by perpetrating the lowest common denominator: the cyberconfessional.

Forgive me, blogosphere, for I have sinned. (confessions in purple)

I'm impeccably clean. I really am. But I don't wash my hands as obsessively as people might assume. I have nothing resembling germ phobia. Furthermore, most of my housecleaning (outside the bathroom!) is purely cosmetic. My obsessively clean house floats on a massive wave of total disorganization. The truth is, I just want things to look nice.

I hate my hair.

People with pants sagging well below their underwear line really make me kind of sick with anger and disapproval. I don't care if judging them thus makes me sound old, or intolerant, or judgemental. Go to hell all you butt-dragging ass wipes. All of you.

I sometimes exaggerate my level of disapproval of a given something, just for effect. I don't know what I get out of it. [Ed. Note: we were ABSOLUTELY NOT kidding or exaggerating about punching Bill Maher in the face.]

Once, when morbid curiosity got the best of me, I clicked on a link that was supposed to take me to a free viewing of a Paris Hilton home movie. I was relieved when the link was a joke. But I still clicked it. And I have to live with that for the rest of my days.

I know it means that 50% of the population will seethe with hatred toward me, and the other half will misunderstand, but I can't wait for that blessed day when we can joke about or question Obama. At the moment, every time I do so, someone cries, or hates me quietly, or worse, assumes I voted for McCain or Bush.

I ate meat the other day. On purpose. A piece of roast beef from a plate of cold cuts and it was delicious. I still have no desire to participate in the truly repulsive meat industry. And I still went home and made a tofurky sandwich. But there it is, hypocrisy on rye.

I just realized I could go on almost forever. There are so many things wrong, or at least questionable, in my conduct and/or character, that there might be no hope at all for me. No matter who is president. Damn.

mardi, novembre 18, 2008

Think Positive

You're short.

But this literally means that a smaller percentage of the population can see up your nose. And a large percentage of those who can regularly pick theirs, and some of them eat it.

That said, the technology exists for you to keep the nasal passages clean, and keep hair from protruding. In the absence of such technology, the act of forcibly removing nasal hair is a great way to manufacture tears, or stay awake on the night shift.

That said, working nights is a bitch, but what a great opportunity to keep the nasal passages clean without recrimination. I mean, you're short, so it isn't likely that anyone is going to be able to see up there anyway--and hey, why not congratulate yourself for being Zen about it? You're not one of those tall people who keep it clean just because so many people are forced by the inequities of Nature to look up there.

Which may not be the best motivation, but they should keep it clean anyway--for whatever reason they can find. Don't they realize that shorter individuals are granted a rather unfortunate perspective on the nasal cavities of others? Come on, people! If we, the short graveyard shifters of the world can keep it clean just because, they have all the more reason! They might take longer to achieve an enlightened perspective on the matter, but that's part of the misfortune of standing a head taller and looking down on people who, if there was such a thing as justice, would be able to look down on THEM, with their booger filled noses riddled with protruding hair, and say "Look in here! It is clean and the hair is carefully cropped, and not for your benefit, but simply because it IS."

Of course, if that were the case, I suppose the time currently spent lording over short people might be spent pondering the intrinsic beauty of a clean nostril, which they might never experience. So you can take a moment and rejoice, even in shortness. There's a positive side to everything.

lundi, novembre 03, 2008

Don't Fall (in Love)

Reasons why I wanted, earnestly, for pull for Obama:
1) He is, or seems, intelligent. His books are well written and have inspired millions. Then again, compared to Bush, who wouldn't look smart?
2) He taught constitutional law at a prestigious white bread university
3) He is black. (yes, racist as it is, I think it would be totally cool to have a black president)
4) As long as there is no real difference between the way the two parties govern, and until a viable third party rears its head, why not vote for the guy who reads a tele-prompter better?
5) He is a smoker, and I want to be able to say, "Hey, I might not be president, but at least I'm not stupid enough to fall for that damn fool habit."
6) He is from the mid-west, which seems like a very grounded, sensible place for a president to come from.
7) He is good looking, and I honestly feel it is just and right to favor better looking people.
8) I have friends, with opinions I respect, who are in love with him

HOWEVER, when I'm honest with myself which is as rare as it is dangerous, there are reasons why I cannot, under any circumstances, support Obama:
1) The Hollywood Elite support him. Actually, they not only support him, they vociferously, emphatically support him. This cannot be good. These are the rich, out of touch people for whom the phrase "tabloid fodder" was invented.
2) His tax increases started with those making 300K, then dropped to 250K, then down to 175K. Meanwhile he and his running mate both voted to increase taxes on people making more than 40K. Whatever your opinion about tax increases or punishing the rich might be, you have to admit that this is either incoherent or dishonest. These are your only choices and they are not good ones.
3) The News Media have their heads so far up his ass, they can't think straight. Actually, they're lucky the sun shines out of there, otherwise our entire press corps would be lost in the dark. If you think this is false, feel free to stop reading. If Triumph the Insult Comic Dog sees it, call it a fact. And you know it would bother you if they were swinging for the guy or gal you hate.
4) Hypocrisy. Never mind that he PROMISED to accept public funding until he tasted the millions pouring into his private coffers. And I know they're ALL guilty of it. But from the man who gave us the truly noble "I am my brother's keeper" speech, who makes millions on book deals and probably hasn't paid for a meal or a suit in ten years, I would expect his aunt (living under the poverty level in public housing), and his brother (a hut in Kenya) to have gotten on the gravy train. As far as I can tell, he hasn't done much for them, except ask you and me to open our wallets and buy them something. On the rare occasions they are approached by the press, what do they say? "Check this car he bought me?" No. "He invited us to stay in his mansion in Chicago?" Not even close. Not even, "This suit was Barry's. He sent it over when he got some new ones." No. All they say is "We've been told not to talk until after the election." He could have really had me here. I love a person who, like Oprah, quietly, personally shares their bounty, first with their family, then with other's in need. Which brings us to the deal breaker.
5) Socialism. My noble, big hearted brother has been heard to say "Damn right I'm a socialist. I want to help and take care of people." To the degree that his desire to help others is honest, I can only commend him and everyone who believes as he does. But this is not what socialism is. If you want to go out and help and take care of people, nobody's stopping you. Go ahead. No, a socialist is NOT someone who wants to help others. A socialist is someone who wants to force other people to help. Since the whole Joe the (pretend) Plumber imbroglio, I have made the same proposition to every Obama supporter willing to discuss it: "Not sharing from one's wealth is selfish and wrong. Obviously. But the only thing worse is someone who thinks it is OK to FORCE people to share. Discuss." They cannot disagree. They change the subject every time. I want them to explain it to me in a way that makes sense to me. They never can. Let me state it more clearly: I believe with every gummy bear lodged in my heart that not sharing is wrong. That said, with those same gummy bears I know that forcing people to share is Satanic. It is evil. It degrades every culture that has tried it. It never elevates poor people. It results results in class warfare (as George Bernard Shaw observed, the government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always count on the support of Paul"). It goes against the founding documents and philosophy of our country. And to the degree that you think it is OK, you are either ignorant or evil--or you know something I don't. The government forced redistribution of wealth is at least as sickening as greed and selfishness. If I could believe otherwise I would. But I cannot find a philosophical or historical leg for socialism to stand on. And finally . . .
6) I'm not looking forward to 4 years of toothless SNL and Daily Show episodes, as they man they love and support and endorse takes the office they are accustomed to mock and deride. But they're smart people, perhaps this final fear is unfounded.

So there it is. I might have just lost the respect of some people whom I love, who stopped reading this blog a long time ago. All I ask is that you extend this one, all important courtesy-the most important favor people in a democracy can do for each other: When someone goes through the trouble of thinking things through honestly, and applies that thinking to earnestly held convictions they hold because they want to be good, give where they're coming from a chance. When Obama is elected, he will be my president, and I will honor the office and the man in it appropriately, which is much more than people who disagreed with the previous president can say.

Do I need to repeat that I did not vote for Bush and won't be voting for McCain?