lundi, août 20, 2007


I didn't get the male orangutan.

Nature fitted him with ridiculous flaps on either side of his beady little eyes, flaps which seem to grow bigger and thicker the wiser (and more comically inspirational he becomes.) But think about it. This poor creature suffers from Nature's worst case of biological tunnel vision.

I said to myself: "I'm not falling for his crap." He can't even see past his own face! How can that be a biological imperative? How can a complete lack of peripheral vision be an advantageous mutation that gets passed on? And if they truly are our relations, how then could my parents forbid me from wearing that Batman mask at Halloween, on the grounds that it restricted my vision and would inevitably result in me getting hit by a car?

But then I remembered what really drives biology: Sex, and its accomplice, Fashion.

Somewhere in the annals of Time, some orange haired ape chick said: "Look at the cheeks on that one!" And he got all the tail. And then his kids got all the tail. And just when face flaps were about to go out of style, the ingenious (read: horny) males let spread a rumor amongst the women of the jungle. A bawdy little myth that linked flap size with penis size. Then it was all over.

No male orangutan since has seen anything to his right nor to his left.

It makes perfect sense.

vendredi, août 17, 2007

Health Care

A recent study shows Americans dropping like a stone in the race to lead the world in the useless "life expectancy" statistic. On a normal day, I think we'd be savvy enough as a nation to ignore the tripe. But we live in a time when a fat, neck bearded socialist can make a "surprise" visit the best hospitals overseas, compare them to the worst here, and somehow propagandize a statistically significant portion of a nation into thinking that the grass is greener in Cuba.

So, if for no other reason than to keep us all from panicking the nation to an even lower life expectancy quotient, why not explore the factual possibilities? The most elementary analysis reveals that the "problem" has little if anything to do with health care. IF Americans have ever lived longer than people in other countries, (and I wonder if they have), then, frankly, they should be ashamed of themselves.

Lest we forget . . .

Americans invented and pioneered the noble profession of Daredevildry. We have a higher population of people willing to risk serious personal injury for glory. My own uncle almost died jumping over 12 neighborhood kids on roller skates. His early death would have brought the numbers down, but who would dare call that a tragedy or a failure of the health care system? And have you ever seen a French or a Cuban Monster Truck? Enough said.

Americans handle business militarily. For good or ill, the amount of American young people dying overseas far exceeds rest of the world. It always has. We've never needed anyone to bail us out (except financially--and by the way: thanks, Chinese lending consortium!) whilst other countries are constantly expecting our soldiers to come and expel various versions of Hitler from their midst. Of course, the reasons for sending said soldiers to die on foreign soil seems increasingly useless, but we do have a reputation to uphold. Possibly even a quota to fill. And here's the real question, Where was the amazing socialized medicine when millions of allied troops were dropping like flies in WWII? Sadly, for the next foreign war, we will most likely have to draft aging baby boomers, because A) it would be the only way to stop that entire generation from its incessant whining; and B) killing them off is certainly the only way to stave off the imminent Social Security crisis.

Americans play Football. The average age of death for players in the National Football League is in the mid 50's. Apparently, making a career of slamming into other men at high speeds with the intent of smearing them into the turf shortens your life expectancy. God bless these men.

Americans are supposed to be self governing and individually responsible. That is the foundation of our nation, our identity. Our system is designed for a self governing people. Unfortunately, as we transition from a nation infused with faith in a benevolent God who expects us to behave to a nation infused with faith in the holy trinity of Sex, Government, and Reality Television, one should expect a temporary epidemic of bad lifestyle choices to shorten life expectancy.

Americans have been lied to. They have been told that you have to accept fat people as normal and treat them as the equals of people who take care of themselves. This has led to an epidemic of obesity, which is the surest, and ugliest way to shorten your life. (I think I'm supposed to say: "Hey, we're fat, so sue us!") Even our ridiculous penchant to worship in the Church of Hollywood Stardom has not lead to a serious backlash against the Unnecessarily Large. Long gone are the days when a token fatty hammed it up on every sit-com (Hey hey, ReRun! We miss you! . . . Come to think of it, maybe they just died off faster than they could be replaced: Good night, sweet Farley). Today's stars are leaner and fitter than ever. Even so, placing them on a pedestal makes their rock hard abs and lusciously proportioned booties seem otherworldly and unattainable. It excuses John Q.UsedtohaveaSixPack and Sally HastowearaHouseCoatbecauseshecan'tfitintoherjeansanymore from having to do anything about the blubber that starts in their heads, creeps around under the skin, and makes its way into the heart.

Americans kill more criminals. Unfortunately, I am not referring to the Death Penalty. That little gem can't lower life expectancy stats, because it doesn't kick in until years of legal wrangling have left you an old man watching cable whose crimes are long forgotten. No, I mean that Americans have guns, so lots of young people lower the bar by dying in gun battles, which usually (but, sadly not always) amounts to criminals killing each other (mad props to Tupac and Biggy for doin' they thing and gettin they gunz on!)

I could say more, but hopefully you get the point: There isn't a problem. And if there is one, it isn't Health Care. Perhaps proud American James Dean spoke for all of us when he said: "Live fast, die young, leave a beautiful corpse."