vendredi, janvier 19, 2007

K-Lo J.

Let me digress a moment and recommend a wonderful book by a wonderful man.

Oh Holy Day, by Keith Lowell Jensen, while laced with profanity, is a great read that will make you smile.

You can read more about it on his super cool web site: Or just google his name. You won't regret it.


jeudi, janvier 18, 2007

In-n-Out Burger

New ways to exclude yourself from the realm of intelligent public debate crop up everyday. Tin-foil hat theories about Katrina and 9/11 seem to have subsided. But that doesn't mean we can rest on our laurels and allow people with half-a-brain syndrome sully the sacred arena of ideas. Hence:

*If you think the phrase "military/industrial complex" was a recent invention, designed to either bolster or scandalize the current administration, you're out. You are to congregate in the parking lot with the "pundits" who wondered or worried if the nuclear explosion on the season premiere of 24 would "help" Bush. Avoid high fives and handshakes: You may be allowed back in, if the gate staff can still read your stamp when you come back.

*If you get your news from the Daily Show and then dismiss out of hand the millions of people who get theirs from FOX, then goodbye. Don't return until you have recorded yourself and can hear the condescension in your voice. You don't have to watch FOX news (I don't) unless you're going to scoff and deride people who do. You are not enlightened because you avoid or stereotype people who disagree with you. The fact that conservatives have adopted the ages old liberal mantra of "I accept and respect people from all walks of life . . . unless they disagree with me" is not an excuse. Note: There are some tailgaters barbecuing out there who were dismissed after refusing to watch CNN because Rush Limbaugh called it the "Clinton News Network." Go ahead and hang out with them. They've got some really delicious treats (if you like meat) and they are really nice about sharing.

*If you think the Iraq war is going well, then your ticket is permanently revoked. There may be some room left on the departing bus of people who think Iraq has been an unmitigated disaster. Good riddance to all of you.

*While it isn't new to state that protesters (flag waving, sign carrying, or otherwise) are excluded, management is excited to offer them the opportunity to return after attending "Protest Camp," where you will be allowed to scream your angry, impotent vitriol into the faces of counselors who will patiently wait until you've gone hoarse, and then sing Kumbaya around a fire made from your stupid pro or anti whatever signs until you can interact without shouting and venom.

*If you have ever uttered, printed, or agreed with the phrase "STOP GLOBAL WARMING" you are out. But because you have a good heart, you can be let back in after engaging in a little non-political research. While it is understood that "STOP CONTRIBUTING TO AN INEVITABLE CYCLICAL PROCESS" is a little cumbersome, telling mankind to "stop" a warming trend that has been ongoing for 8,000 years (7,800 of them pre-industrial) represents an ignorance that devalues environmentalism. If you accepted without research every claim put forth in Al Gore's movie (many of which, it turns out, are spurious), you are likewise excluded. It wouldn't be fair to send you home on same bus as the willing polluters, unconscious consumerists, and idiots who used the term "TREE HUGGER" to dismiss people who care about the environment. In fact, it wouldn't even be possible. They left so long ago we can't track them. Simply wait in line at the "Science Is About Facts and Should Not Be Railroaded by Partisans from Either Side" kiosk. You can get a new pass there.
P.S. Keep caring. And keep in mind that someone who doesn't hop on the corn plastic bandwagon doesn't necessarily despise their Mother Earth. They might have just done a little research and found out what people with corn plastic brains mean when they say "compostable."

While it would be delusional to hope that someday all people can participate in the ideological melee, it is hoped that the above dismissals will at least make the debate worthwhile to an increasingly jaded republic.

lundi, janvier 08, 2007

A New Acronym

Keith, who saw the show ages ago, said that I "got wood." Right there on stage in the middle of the scene. He said he could see it clearly. No question about it.
I questioned it, because I have no clear recollection. You see, I was acting. I was in character. Whatever happens when I'm in the World of the Stage comes from beyond. So it might be more accurate for him to say "Your character got wood." To which I could only respond with pride: "Why yes, it was a powerful moment in the life I was trying to create. The physical realities added depth to the performance."

This would be a lie. I think. Like I said, I don't really remember. The fact is I'm not THAT good of an actor. The other fact is that when something like that happens (or NOT!) the non and half truths are always going to be infinitely preferable to the simple truth: that males are cursed with an Awkward Physical Manifestation that has a mind of its own.

Certain questions should be asked. When Keith pointed out my alleged APM, why should it have to feel like an accusation? Why couldn't I put the stigma aside and say "Damn right I did!" Shouldn't I, as a liberated man with nothing to hide or be ashamed of, be able to own that moment? (Hypothetically speaking)

I mean, this is all academic, but what if I did? What makes it a significant event (if it even happened)? Since the Dawn of Time, men with thoughts and intentions as pure the snows of Everest have suffered the blight of the involuntary APM. I don't see people making fun of the fact that I pay taxes and will someday confront death. So why shouldn't I heft the serene weight of History and proclaim: "I don't know exactly why you were so focused on that particular area, but let's just say I'm glad you could see it from that far away."

Or, "I don't even care if you're making it up. Go ahead. I'm glad I could make such a pedestrian, even quotidian event something special for you."

Or, "Keith, I respect you and don't want to hurt your feelings, but I'm married, and even if I wasn't I'm a dedicated metro."

Or, "That wasn't a rabbit in my pocket. I was just glad to see you."

Or, "Hey, what can I say, Free Willy was my favorite movie."

Or, "Dude, there was a hot actress tracing circles around my belly button as I reclined in her lap on a table. I'm a professional, but I'm also a man. Things happen. I can only pity the fact that you seem to derive such a prurient and puerile satisfaction from it."

Any of these would have been better than stammering and staring. Why couldn't I say them when the finger of judgement was in my face?

Probably because it never happened.