The following is a transcript of a recorded conversation that "took place" on Airforce 1, on an unspecified day of the week following the inauguration, between the President, and a man identified (by voice analysis technology) as Rush Limbaugh.
B.O.>Hello old friend. I'm so glad you could come.
R.L.>You go to Hell, you socialist bastard! And may you get there before your leftist policies drag the whole country there! [a brief pause, followed by both laughing heartily]
B.O.>Not bad. Did you use that?
R.L.>I can't say bastard in that context on the radio. Bush's FCC really has my nuts in a vice.
B.O.>I'll get to work on that.
R.L.>Perfect. I've got a whole thing ready on the decay in old fashioned values you're about to cause.
B.O.>I think you're on to something there. And seriously, before we really dig into this, I gotta thank you for the way you energized my base. That "Barack the Magic Negro" bit was damn brilliant. Almost got you a pay raise.
R.L.>Honestly, it felt like cheating. Your people are so wacked out on Obama juice I could have said anything. By the way, I'm not complaining, but as a point of order, when Farrakhan called you the Messiah it took a lot of wind out of my sails. I mean, I put it to good use, but-
B.O.>Sorry about that, Louis misinterpreted the memo. Admit it though, we handled it pretty deftly.
R.L.>I guess as long as I get the credit . . .
B.O.>Alright, we're almost to your drop point, so let's get down to it. We're going two prong. First, we need you to say you hope I fail.
R.L.> You're reading my mind.
B.O.> Go ahead and make it ideological. My people will spin it personal.
R.L.> All of them?
B.O.>The major networks and papers are ready to move, the periphery will follow suite as usual . . . Unless they start thinking for themselves! [Both laugh]
R.L.> What else?
B.O.> We need to label you the face of the Republican Party and charge you with running their machine.
R.L.>Did you talk to them about this?
B.O.> They're on board.
R.L.> It just seems a little on the far edge of believability. I've spent a long time establishing the opposite.
B.O.> Which is what makes it so delicious.
R.L.> O.K. . . but you're gonna have to give me something. You gotta really angry up my people. If you govern anywhere near the center, my market share shrinks; and you can't pay me enough to make up for the advertising dollars I lose.
B.O.> Oh, believe me, I'm about to seriously piss that shit off.
R.L.> I love it when you talk ghetto.
B.O.> I think I'm getting much better at it.
R.L.> Not bad for a Harvard man.
B.O.> So, are we down?
R.L.> Pour the champagne, Mr. President. Here's to the numbers.
BOTH> The numbers! [The sound of crystal goblets clinking together, followed by loud slurping and gulping from one of the men--presumably Mr. Limbaugh.]