jeudi, août 21, 2008


Axioms vary from culture to culture, from era to era. Self evident in their prime, wise old sayings like a penny saved is a penny earned were once indisputable in America. While it behooves us to observe that every old adage in this country was either coined or catalogued by Benjamin Franklin, thereby reinforcing his case for the title of Greatest American Ever, it has to be obvious to any observer that such rustic wisdom no longer applies. This is a country where a penny saved is a penny you could have flushed down the toilet of credit card debt buying crap you can't afford.

So let us begin the process of cataloging our new axioms, wise new sayings by which future generations can understand who we are. Self evident truths like:

"A stitch in time can extend your career several years."
But more than one will make you look like a freak, on a sliding scale somewhere between Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson.

"Early to bed, early to rise makes a person healthy, wealthy, but still somehow sucked into the national caffeine addiction."

"The News Media and the American people are like mongrel dogs meeting in the street and smelling each other's butts."
Each can only offer the lowest common denominator, because each is only offered the lowest common denominator.

"Make the world a better place: punch Bill Maher repeatedly in the face."
Ok, this one is something you DO more than say. But it feels good just thinking about it, doesn't it? To be fair, I was totally in love with the book he wrote just after 9/11. But that was yesterday. Seriously: I want to fight Bill Maher. I'm putting it out there now. Because having a discussion with him is like wrestling with a pig, you both get dirty and only Bill likes it. I know, I know, violence just plays into his hands, because smarmy condescension is his tool to get your brain to go angry and shut off so he doesn't have to worry about you exposing his weak, wannabe hipster bombast. I don't even care if I get paid. And it doesn't have to be in the squared circle. A back alley will do just fine. The need for this has to go all the way back to elementary school. He has literally been begging for it his whole life, and the only reason he has gotten this bad is because the poor fellow has been coddled when he should have been beaten. So let me be the one. [Editor's Note: Given S.K.Namanny's well documented abhorrence of violence, and his total inability to stomach fighting of any kind, it is unlikely that he would be able to follow through on the above-mentioned threats. He is, after all, a vegetarian. It is hoped therefore that the mere image of Mr. Maher's bleeding nose and/or blackened eye will suffice to please the reader.]

"You made your bed--now have loads and loads of sex with multiple partners in it."
If you don't, they'll never put you (or any fictional character resembling you) on television.

"Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em."
I don't know exactly how or where it applies, but please, just for me, will everyone please please start saying this as often as possible? For instance, the next time you get pulled over for a traffic violation. The cop says the requisite "Do you know why I pulled you over?" And you respond with "I don't quite know officer, but as the old saying goes, Please Hammer, don't hurt 'em!" It works on so many levels.

It's no Poor Richard's Almanac, but it's a start.

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