As it turns out, people do not always mean what they say. Even less often do they say what they mean. Which used to be one of the more demoralizing elements of public discourse. No longer.
With our database, software and search engine at last complete, we are pleased to announce the launch of our new Translater. The Obscure, Overly-Partisan, or Purposefully Arcane, Political Opinion Translation Service (O.O.P.P.A.P.O.T.S). Readers of Girl Pants can now send in comments they have proposed or overheard, and OOPPAPOTS can render them into a cogent, cohesive statement, stripped of obfuscation, sophistry, and based on the brazen reality of the situation. With our "Input Context" option we can even account for a wide variety of source material.
Here are a few of the samples our research team have released.
COMMENT: The Daily Show and the Colbert Report are what I watch for news.
TRANSLATION: I am uninformed. Let us share some ripping good rips on people with whom I disagree. After that discard my views on current events.
COMMENT: Coldplay is overrated.
TRANSLATION: Coldplay is either too mainstream, or not mainstream enough for me.
COMMENT: Bush is an idiot. (true BTW)
TRANSLATION: (*Input Context /loyal republican/) I am willing to concede that the president might not be a brilliant man if you are willing to shut up about Iraq, the price of gas, and to never say 'nobody died when Clinton lied' ever, ever again. Oh, go ahead. I guess this is my punishment for rubbing Jimmy Carter's royally inept destruction of the economy in your face all these years;
(*Input Context /stodgy conservative/see also older white male/) He ran as a conservative and governed like a liberal. I can't believe I voted for that chump;
(*Input Context /average middling or lazy social lefty/) I love saying things that don't have to be researched or backed up because they are accepted as media fact;
(*Input Context /activist liberal/) If I could spit acid on him I would. If he was on fire I wouldn't piss on him to put out the flames. But my virulent hatred is justified by my bumper stickers. I am at peace and love all people. Except for George Bush, for whom my heart burns with an everlasting red hot hate that I can barely even conceal when broadcasting the news.
COMMENT: We are destroying the planet.
TRANSLATION: Human beings tend to have a destructive effect, and need to do better. I might be a democrat or a republican, on this issue it really doesn't matter. Also, I have researched it and discovered that Mother Nature can cause, and has caused on hundreds of thousands of occasions, more damage to herself in a day than we could in our best 100 years. So I take a calm level headed approach to it. I don't fall for junk science. I accept that human beings, destructive as they may be, have a right to exist as children of this planet. I do my best to accept other people's choices. I truly love nature and make every effort, with my time and with my pocket book, to preserve and appreciate it.
COMMENT: WE ARE DESTROYING THE PLANET!!! (note tone of panic and exclamation points)
TRANSLATION: I am desperate for some emergency to get heated up about. It makes me feel important and sates my need to feel socially responsible, if not socially superior. The "devoted to a higher cause" vibe that other people get from their religion, or their job, or their family, or from actually helping people, I get from hyper ventilating over imminent disaster that has been steadily and wrongly predicted in various forms since the beginning of time, and telling other people how to live their lives. In fact, I am, socially and philosophically speaking, NO DIFFERENT from the panicked crowd in the 1800's who were convinced that the 2nd coming of Christ was around the corner and went around telling everybody how badly they were screwing up and how imminent was their demise. Remember, we blew out record amounts of hot air fretting about an upcoming ICE AGE back in the seventies. We've switched to global warming now, and I don't know what it will be tomorrow. But whatever it is, you can rest assured I'll give you an earful and tell you all the ways that YOU and the rest of humanity are f*cking up the planet.
COMMENT: Those pants do NOT make you look fat.
TRANSLATION: Either I do not have sufficient respect for your ability to handle the truth, or I don't want to mess up my chances of having sex with you later, or both.
As you can see, the applications of OOPAPOTS are numerous. While it is no help at all with a person who simply lies to you on the bald face of it all (for which there is no remedy), you can get, within an increasingly small margin of error, right to the heart of the matter, or to the matter in other people's hearts, thereby avoiding a good deal of the rancor and misunderstanding that has become the norm in American Arena of Ideas.