samedi, février 02, 2008

Insecurities Exchange (Indulge me)

We'll start with the top three descriptors, pause, and see if we have any inclination to continue.

Description #1: Short.

Response: Thanks for bringing it up.
To paraphrase a modern classic, Why don't you give me a nice deep paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? Short. Fine. How short? Actually, I don't know. I know I feel short, but don't know how my height compares to the national average. Because you see, people my height don't know our height. I wouldn't even trust my driver's license, since I estimated (read: lied) on the high side, based upon a generous guesstimate I took at a convenience store entry way on a day when I was wearing especially high heels. (And before you get your dander up, I'm talking about BOOTS here.) Would you laugh at me if I admitted to having researched the medical procedure wherein the legs are broken and shivs are inserted that lengthen the thigh bones over an excruciating span of months? I not only researched it. I considered it. I hear you already, saying: Why not just accept it? You are who you are, and fretting about it won't make you any taller. First of all, you're quoting the bible, which was written by short people who were quoting a tall person. Second, only a tall person would say that. So forget you. In a world where, statistically, tall people reproduce more, get better jobs, and are more likely to achieve fame and fortune (with the notable exception of the truly miniscule Tom Cruise--hey, I just found something to like about Tom Cruise: he's short), you'll have to indulge my total lack of enlightenment in this regard. I hate everyone taller than me. And they deserve it.

Description #2: Well Dressed.

Reponse: Yes I am.
But for those of you who have taken it a step further (and ventured to use the term OVERdressed), let me just say this. First, you know how people, on a special occasion, will put on a button up shirt, maybe a nice blazer, a little dab of gel in the hair, etc? Well, what if I want to look like that all the time? What if every day is, in a manner of speaking, a special occasion? Will you indulge me a little enlightenment in this regard? I celebrate LIFE dammit! Second, yes I am compensating for my height (see above paragraph).

Description #3: Judgemental.

Response: FOOLS!
I'm kidding. Live and let live says I. In fact, when I was a child, my parents had a wooden placard in the family room that read: Great Spirit grant that I not judge my neighbor until I've walked a mile in his moccassins. I believe I've taken this to heart. Not literally, of course: I realized early that almost nobody wears moccassins anymore. But that does not exclude me from putting myself in others' shoes. Of course, then I had to realize that the saying doesn't actually apply to shoes at all, since most people wear ugly shoes or have disgusting feet, both of which make it absolutely impossible to go near their shoes. While we're on the subject of shoes, someone needs to explain some things to me. (As for people who turn their feet into hardened flesh clogs by going shoeless, I have no desire to make even a premlinary inquiry) First, where do people get off wearing shoes with no socks? It's so unhygeinic as to be immoral. We wear socks because they can be washed. That's why they were invented. So unless you can explain to me the process you've invented that miraculously removes from your shoes the inevitable build up of skin, oils, and odour exuded by all feet, you'll have to indulge me a little righteous indignation here. Surely the sun rises on you like it rises on me. But for you he holds his nose and hopes you don't remove your shoes. Secondly, is there something in patchouli oil that makes people wear ugly shoes? I've been trying not to notice, but hippies seem to have the worst taste in footwear. Case in point: Crocs. They appear from the outside to be as uncomfortable as they are ugly. At least Birkenstocks look comfortable. And I can see where you might be commended for seeking comfort first. But is it judgemental, per se, to observe that frankly, you can have both? The product is out there. And if you can have comfort and style at the same time, and you choose not too, then what the hell is your problem? So don't go labeling me. If you can't even evaluate the footwear situation with the smallest degree of alacrity, then I say YOUR judgement is mental.

Well, let's not belabour the point. Suffice it to say: people describe other people. It is neccessary. If you love people, you do it with a degree of surgical honesty equal to your love. Even if it hurts.

Hurts so good.

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