Guess what? The President is dumb!
(In this place, I would traditionally insert some attempt at comedy, or insight, or some combination of the two. But given the genius--the originality--of the opening line, I see fit to pause, and bask in the white hot light of my discovery.)
This president is so dumb . . .
(Listen as the audience thirstily laps up the cavalcade. "How dumb is he?" you ask, bursting at the seems. The expectation is palpable. Nowhere have you seen such incisive wit. You've heard him flub lines. You saw him holding the book upside down. But no one thought to make a joke out of it! The combination of surprise and thanks turns the masses into mush. I don't even need to make the chimp comparisons, not that it would be redundant--certainly it wouldn't! It would sparkle fresh like the opening zinger, but I need to move on to something with even more show stopping glitter on it.)
INSERT *EVIL RICH WHITE GUY JOKE OR REFERENCE*
(Go ahead, faint. Take a breath. It's OK. I know you didn't see it coming. I don't even need to state the joke. The deft originality of the framework is enough. So many people--certainly the idiots who have met him or spent any time with him--forget that he is, in very fact, an evil rich white guy. At this point you'll forgive a brief pat on my own back. I could have directed my trenchant tongue to some easy target, some rampaged comedic territory so well traveled by others. But no: I took the hard, insightful road. The high road. You know, it isn't easy breaking ground. PS: You're Welcome!)
Bill Clinton was an overweight womanizer!
(Didn't know that either, did you! For eight years of the previous administration you sat back, and, while you couldn't elucidate your thoughts, deep down, your silent self wondered quietly "Why is no one making fun of the President's weight, or his penchant for turning every woman within the reach of his greasy hilbilly fingers into a sexual object?" And then here I come out of nowhere, busting loose with a dirty/fat joke--in the same sentence! I'll wait a moment while you to regain your composure. I don't even have time for my Pakistani-QuickyMart-Owner impression--we'll have to take on the threat of global terrorism later)
If only we could combine the best qualities of the last two presidents. Think of the Evil-Rich-Fat-Womanizing-Dumbass jokes that could be told!
Alas, I would be the only one telling them.