dimanche, avril 25, 2010

Why I'm not the one (or, Don't Vote for Me)

I've made a great deal, recently, about a mythical third party candidate rising to power. For clarity, let me sum up why I've never once imagined that person being me.

Because I could never be elected president.

My agenda would not be the noble Constitution-based platform of the New Federalist Party. I have too many other concerns that would reduce my target demographic to men, my age, who are me. For instance:

My first legislative act would be an executive order forbidding the use of the word "baby" in all music for at least ten years. Punishable by a punch to the throat. A rider to the order would expand the executive war powers, and the United States of America would instantly declare war on any artist that rhymed "girl" with "world" for the next ten years. I would call it the "historic musical palette cleanser act."

Next order of business would be a campaign to make all televisions run with pedal power alone. Yes, I would force all Americans to pedal a stationary bicycle for any and all TV or DVD watching. Old, fat, or exceptionally lazy people would have to take up reading or hire a fit person to pedal whilst they watched. And if anyone complained, the official response from the White House would be: "Shut up, Fatty. Nobody cares."

Secret Service snipers would be despatched to put a bullet in the buttocks of anyone caught sagging their pants in public. Seriously.

I would push my Father through the nomination process to the Supreme Court, and affectionately refer to him as "the National Curmudgeon."

I would make Sushi the official national dish. One day a month would be called Sushi Day, whereupon extended lunch breaks were granted, as long as they were spent consuming sushi, hereafter referred to as "our nation's most important culinary treasure."

Dark Chocolate would be officially recognized as superior to milk chocolate, which would be illegal to consume except for those willing to be labeled "barbarian heathens." So-called "white chocolate" would be absolutely forbidden.

I would enact legislation making it essentially legal to punch Bill Maher and Keith Olberman in the face. My administration would never advocate violence, but as a symbolic gesture, we would officially pardon, in advance, anyone who performed such on those two individuals. Navy Seals would toilet paper Michael Moore's house every night. All right wing talk hosts would be forced to give every caller 20 seconds minimum before cutting them off or talking over them--a violation would result in an electric shock roughly equivalent to a taser, the delicious sound of which would be illegal to edit. One press conference a month would be dedicated to an audio montage of Sean Hannity and all his ilk being shocked on air. Sean Penn would be abducted by the C.I.A. and a chip would be implanted in his brain. Every time he made a mockery of every legitimate argument the Left ever made by suggesting that his opposition should die a slow painful death, or that his intellectual opponents should be rounded up and shot, or anything of that stripe, the chip would cause him drop his pants, sit on his thumb and repeat "I am not smart enough to participate in the exchange of ideas" for thirty minutes.

October would be Emily Dickinson Month. The president would be given a month's paid vacation to make pilgrimages to her home in Amherst, sit at her tombstone for ponderous hours, and re-read her poetry and letters. Any press conference during this month would be restricted to questions about Emily, and would be answered with quotes from her best biographers.


After all that, I might just get around to abolishing the nazi IRS. I might make an effort to return power to the States. I might audit the FED. I would eventually cancel all foreign aid and bring all troops home until the national debt was paid, and all that blah blah blah. But as you can see, my own insane interests would compromise the office of president, if not the very Constitution itself. So I am hereby taking my hat out of the ring forever.

Just in case the nation ever goes crazy.

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