I said before that if I believed in Hell, it would be because there has to be a place for the guy who invented Easter grass.
Turns out there are other reasons that Hell has to exist.
Because there isn't another way to explain State and/or County Fairs. The horrifying food, the vomit comets operated by demonically deformed carnies, the myriad booths selling garbage to alcoholically compromised dupes, the unholy conglomeration of the whitest and trashiest of all white trash, the exponential addition to the rodent population--and the bands, THE BANDS!!--all combined with the oppressive heat of summer. Honestly, if these things aren't oozing through some dimensional rift, then how else to you explain them?
Because the whole "Satan told us to wear make up and spandex" aesthetic of the 80's Heavy Metal Hair bands could not have been a strictly human invention. Can you imagine a group of musicians having a meeting and deciding on their own to tease their hair up like bible belt hair dressers, cover their faces in dime store cosmetics, wrap themselves in skintight leather, stick a cucumber wrapped in foil down their pants and pose in a studio full of imitation human bones in the shape of a pentagram? "What the hell!?" I hear you saying. Exactly. The good news is that if you fell for that music in any way, and especially if you threw your panties onto a stage populated by ersatz Knights In Satan's Service, you don't have to be overcome by shame for eternity. You can claim with a fair amount of confidence that the devil made you do it. Hopefully you've grown up and won't have to follow your former heroes to the Hell that absolutely must exist if their existence is to make any sense whatsoever.
Because The View needs a place to go into syndication.
Because every single person who claims the title of "Journalist" and then transparently campaigns for a party or candidate has to be in thrall to a being more demonic than even a Television Network Executive--and that's saying something. Or maybe it's just that I want them so suffer in ways forbidden by our constitution for the way they slant their coverage and then have the gall to claim neutrality. We may have been stupid enough to let them hand pick BOTH candidates, and maybe at some point we will stop paying attention to the news media entirely and they will fade away like the monsters under the bed, but until then I have to believe there is a Hell for these people--or I might start dispensing justice vigilante style and go to jail, which is purest hell according to all the reputable films.
Because Morrissey said "There is a place in Hell for me and my friends."
Because that's where cats come from. And with their nefarious powers they hypnotize humans into thinking that a house filled with dander, hair, hairball vomit and poop is worth the "affection" they pretend to give you as long as you feed them, clean up after them, and do their bidding in various other ways (like opening doors at all hours).
Because on a CNN radio news update, the lead story was the birth of JAMIE LYNN SPEARS CURSED SPAWN. At that moment, the world had to know: Hell is here and now.