I've tried to go clean. I've tried to change the subject. But every time I do, these people keep dragging me back in.
After this, I'll either admit to being a one-note-johnny or move on. I promise.
The Small World ride at Disneyland is closed down. Not to update what is probably the worst attraction at the park. Not to summarily execute all those nightmarish little robots (which were--we can say it now--originally intended to become the first wave of attack in Walt Disney's unholy army of the night. Had he not died tragically early, those adorable little animatronic wonders would at this moment be cracking a whip across your back.)
No, the ride is closed down because the original rinky-dink boats were designed for a different America. Those who imagineered the original lived at a time when the average woman weighed 120 pounds and her male counterpart a trim 175.
Now the boats are bottoming out in the fetid water. And I wish they would have consulted me, because rather than simply post a sign that says "You must weigh less than this to ride this ride," or "this attraction was designed for our less than generously appointed patrons," or "help us avoid malfunction by kindly removing any excess baggage/equipment/body fat," or "if you regularly consume more calories than you burn, you are disgusting and you don't deserve to ride," or even the now classic "NO FAT CHICKS!"--rather than simply asking fatties to ride through It's a Small World alone (as they are destined/doomed to ride through the less popular This is the Real World alone)--rather than post enlarged pictures of the bottomed out boats embarrassingly stopping up progress with the caption "This could happen to you!"--rather than any of these sensible options, Disney has inexplicably chosen to accommodate the obese. They are actually remaking the ride in the image of a gentler, fatter nation.
To which we can only say, in the words of a noted local radio celebrity:
Goodbye, sweet America!