One for Each Toe

There are many more than ten, but here are the TOP ten Truths that Humans Being Have Forgotten. I hope none of them are inconvenient.

10) We cannot destroy the Earth.
Surely we can make it uglier, and smellier, (and the news/entertainment complex has gone a long way to making it stupider, as it were) but destroy it? Don't inflate your own power and significance. People are a blip on the Earth's flashdrive. She told me so over the phone a thousand years after the nuclear holocaust that never happened. I was calling her from the verdant climes of Mount St. Helens, crying and apologetic. She scoffed and said the same thing she said at the end of the last ice age: "Baby you give yourself too much credit. And by the way, get those stanky chemicals out of my river."

9) Your spouse does NOT love you by default.
Why not? Because there is no such thing as love by default. Either you have maintained yourself and the reasons he/she fell in love in the first place, or better yet, you've created an exciting matrix of new reasons for attraction and dedication. Short of these you are slapping your lover in the face. Things change, fine. And true love can withstand the sands of time. And "love existed" means that "love exists." Fair enough--and true statements all. However, if you are one of these people who let themselves go after hooking a mate and then just expect them to trudge through the thickening slosh of your sloth and decay to find the kernel of your love, then you are a scourge and a blight upon humanity that should be purged with fire.

8) Fame does not confer enlightenment.
Stop listening to Hollywood stars. Most of them have very little to say. Strike that--most of them have way too much to say. Some are intelligent. A few are insightful. But your average star's brain is so tainted with publicity and praise that they cannot think straight. This is a group whose chief talent, after acting, is divorce. Shun them as you would the know-it-all drunk hunk in the bar who thinks that because dumb drunk girls drool on him he can hold forth on the gas tax. While they are justifiably held up as the paragons of fashion, the bile and blah they spew must be ignored until they shut up and entertain us. Mark my words: The notion of the socially conscious star will be the death of Art.

7) McDonald's has the best fries.
I wish this wasn't true, because the full version reads: "...that's because they're fried in animal fat, silly!" I can't even look at a McDonald's, much less set foot in one. But I really do miss their fries. Also, In-n-Out Burger has the best shakes . . . because they have the most fat.

6) You have to burn at least as many calories as you consume.
Sorry, fatty. This is why you are fat. You are not big boned. You don't have a gland problem. There is no big secret. Simply burn more calories than you consume and you will lose weight. I wanted to say you are still beautiful on the inside. But I talked to your inside, and it said "Feed me while I watch TV," which is not a beautiful thing to say. I don't know why I should feel obligated, but there has to be something nice to say here . . . ah: Forgotten Truth 6b) All humankind, regardless of weight, have the same, unlimited potential for excellence. There, feel better?

5) Adherence to your favorite tidbits of 'Eastern Spirituality' does not make you better than everyone else.
You know you think it does. In the midnight of your soul, you'll admit it. But congratulations: you found a belief system that allows you to look down your nose at "religious types" and still be on the Path to Enlightenment.

4) The Beatles are the greatest rock band in History.
Wait. No human being has forgotten that.

3) Astrology is an embarrassing joke.
"If you've ever even checked your weekly horoscope" says Astronomer magazine, "it's time to do a little research." "But what boxes will I cram people into without bogus astrological signs?" you ask. Here are at least two: People who believe in astrology and smart people. Forget the fact that even bringing it up makes you sound as if you passed your prime in the 70's. The studies that debunk it completely, almost mercilessly, are too numerous to even mention here. But here's a quickie. I often read the obviously bogus (but completely hilarious) horoscopes from the Onion in the office. More than once, true believers have uttered words to this effect: "Oh my gosh, I have an aunt who's a Libra, I should warn her." I'm not kidding.

2) The original Blues men that came out of the Mississippi Delta were the coolest people that ever lived.
Even their names can't be argued with: Muddy Waters. Son House. Johnny Shine. Robert Johnson. Watching and listening to these guys, it almost hurts to know how cool I will never be. Sadly, the degree to which these guys were cool is precisely the degree to which the average modern blues rocker in your local tavern is NOT.

1) It's your own damn fault.
"You do it to yourself," said Thom York, "and that's what really hurts." Admittedly, I myself forget this one on a daily basis. But moments after blaming cursing my wife somehow causing me to forget to repair the crack in the main line that caused the pipe to rupture and send sewage flowing into my back yard, I still say: O how the world will change when we all pull our heads out and stop blaming everything on everybody else! A good place to start would be for all people everywhere to rise up, take charge . . . and stop blaming me. For anything. Ever.