Transcript of Original Speech on "Immigration"

My fellow Americans: I come before you tonight to tear this whole immigration charade a new one. First of all, can we drop the whole "immigrant" thing? We don't have an immigration problem. The system of legal immigration is as backed up, as bloated, and as constipated as it is supposed to be. As with all things bureaucratic, it is designed to be just broken enough to justify more money in the next budget. What we do have a problem with, is illegal immigration. And the problem is, you don't get it.
I know you don't, because 75% of you are unhappy with the millions of illegals pouring over an unsecured border, which means that 25% of you think that's just fine, and since 75 plus 25 equals one hundred, clearly, one hundred percent of you have your heads so far up your derrieres that you can't tell a fish taco from a hole in the wall.
Let me explain. You see, as President, I have a unique perspective that 100% of you do not have. I occupy a singular postition, riding a fence that most of you don't have to ride. For instance, you either don't know, or you have forgotten that as president I am beholden to the worldwide communist movement, and I am therefore dedicated to making sure that our nation is flooded with uneducated, unskilled, underprivileged scofflaws. It's the only way to strangle the life out of those who control the means of production, cripple our government services, and bring our system of representative government and free enterprise to its knees.
But I am also in the breast pocket of Big Business, and am therefore dedicated to the task of importing an ever growing army of laborers who are willing to work for insanely low wages, and without the benefit of union membership, workman's comp and disability protection, or a health plan.
Beyond my obligations to seemingly oppositional and ultimately mysterious forces, I care. I care about the mexican people. I believe we must not punish people for wanting to participate in building up, not to mention the destruction, of our great republic. In my humble opinion we must reward the raw tenacity of anyone willing to cross the dark night of uncertainty and drop a baby on the hot sand of the Arizona desert. I believe that we must reward the ingenuity of anyone willing to subvert the system in a way that gives millionaires one more thing they don't have to pay for, and activists one more thing they can scream about.
For those of you who believe that Mexico is passively taking back land that we took by force, I congratulate you on your historical insight. I have it on good authority that the nation of Mexico has been surreptitiously acting all along to return the land to the Native Americans they took it from, at which point they will pack up and go home . . . to Spain, which they will then abandon to the barbarian tribes who took the land from the Romans who took it from them.
So I hereby propose to do what every president and every politician on both sides of the aisle have done since the days of Julius Cesar: I will appear in every way to care, and appear in certain ways to act, and will in the mean time trust America to understand that doing anything substantive is absolutely out of the question.