The New Environmentalist

I am dedicated to the idea of doing right by "The Environment," (an entity formerly called "Mother Nature," and before that, "God's Green Earth.") Whatever you call it, it isn't the fragile, shivering baby thing that humans have come to believe actually depends on their insignificant little nothingness. Make no mistake, Gaea is a fully independent, dedicated-to-the-big-picture woman with her own agenda, who under no circumstance can be said to be significantly influenced by human activity. Of course, she has wanted to kill us from the beginning. She was thirsty for our blood millions of years before our pitiful industrialization uglied her up. Any puny HUMAN who says anything like "She is in our hands" is a self-important idiot. Nature always wins. Always. Even when it appears to destroy itself with devastating, climate altering volcanoes, (or ocean warming under-water volcanic activity, or ice ages that creep down from the north every 8,000 years or so, or species killing droughts, or earthquakes, or floods), never forget that Nature loves ONLY three things: Birth, Death, and Change. And the change is always in the name of long term balance. We are a blip on her screen no matter what you see on the news. We are really trying to save ourselves from her.

So let it be admitted that today's so-called environmentalist is really a humanist. Any list of activities designed to better the Environment is really for either our own selfish ends, (for instance, I might want to feel good about myself, or make some place look or smell nicer, or try to stop an animal from being added to the list of extinctions--most of which were put there by Nature herself--or save money, or whatever), or, more likely, we're doing it for the harmony and sustainability of a community of HUMANS called civilization. (And civilization may or may not be opposed to Nature--that's another question entirely. But before you fool yourself into thinking the question is remotely interesting, remember the answer is short: IT DOESN'T MATTER).

Anyway, here is the list of what I'm doing to improve my green status. (Remembering that by now recycling is a given. If you're not doing at least that, then YOU ARE the trash.)

1)Taking shorter, cooler, and less frequent showers.
I hope this doesn't have an adverse effect on my body odor, because, I'd let every dolphin in the ocean suffocate in tuna nets before I let myself exude an unpleasant smell. So I'm obviously not asking us all to descend into hippyville. Still, I can't figure out why all you "environmentalists" let yourselves soak away long moments in a steaming hot shower. Get in, get clean, get out. You don't even need to steam up the bathroom.

2)Driving a car that gets 50 miles per gallon.
Not to mention the fact that as soon as I have the money, I'll be converting my Jetta to run on pure vegetable oil. So I can with confidence say that YOU are part of the pollution problem, whoever you are. And I am not. So screw all of you.

3)Avoiding meat.
The mass production of meat might be the most disgusting thing man has perpetrated. But this is about green house gases. If I can keep one cow from flatulating, I feel like I made a difference. The meat industry is not growing methane machines for me, brother. (Now, you might say that eating said cow is the best way to stop it's gas production. And come to think of it, you're right. But I've noticed that the less meat I eat, the less methane I produce. If you know what I mean. (Of course, by the same logic, I'd have to stop eating dried apricots. And Kashi. And broccoli. And my father's magnificent vegetarian three bean soup. All right, there's nothing I can do about my methane production. But meat is still disgusting.)

4)Stealing Music.
All the packaging that goes into CD's is a crime. By the time our more savvy artists started reducing the mess and/or making it out of recycled material, it was too late: the green public was protesting the waste by sharing and downloading music for free. Or were selfish, greedy people simply engaging in blatant, white trash thievery? I know where I've stood from the beginning. I borrow CD's and burn them to save the planet.

5) Holding My Breath.
I know carbon dioxide is plant food, but apparently the production of it is giving my fellow doomed humans an excuse to complain. So for at least 15 minutes a day (not consecutively) I hold my breath. I'm serious about this. Humans are carbon dioxide machines. Do your part. If you're not going to hold your breath, at least stop talking.

Keep tuning in for more tips. Together, we'll feel good about each other while Mother Nature plans our extinction.