Top Ten Turn-Offs

OK, "top-ten" is somewhat misleading, in that the following list is in no particular order. I've tried to leave out the turn offs intrinsic to me, (i.e. most tattoos distract me--as I wonder: is this as classless as it looks?--and bondage gear makes me laugh to the point where arousal is impossible). I wanted to make this more universal. Add to it if you will, but other than that, this is the list, and it is beyond contestation.

Here they are: the worst turn-offs of our time.

ANYTHING MEDICAL
Just apply the word "region" to any part of the body and you're halfway to downing the desire. The discussion of medical issues and/or terminology surrounding traditionally sexual regions (see what I mean?) might be one of the most effective preemptive strikes available. You don't even have to bring STD's into it. Those are a given. Try bringing up your OBGYN, or terms like pap smear, or speculum. Let the talk turn medical and you'll feel it all wane.

BODILY WASTE
Anything involving human evacuation of any kind is an instant turn off. Put it this way: Adolf Hitler was into it.

EXTRA FLESH.
With no apology to an increasingly large segment of our population: Flab kills the proverbial "mood." I'm not saying you can't get hot if you're heavy. Neither am I, myself, a vision of athletic perfection. We just all have to admit it and move on. And, given past screeds, I'll not go further than to just say this: don't give me the whole "in the past, enlightened people went after the full-figured woman." That is infantile on the face of it. The past aesthetic was about money. A fuller figure meant a rich father. In the present, it means simply "I am past caring about myself physically; therefore I have no right to ask you to do what I won't" (namely, pay attention to my body). So congratulations: You're past all this sexual tension nonsense.


BAD HYGIENE
I know I'm going to hear it from the Hippie Contingent, but sorry, we owe our partners the very cleanest of slates upon which to paint our sensual masterpiece.

ODOURS
This is a sub-category of two preceding rubrics. But it behoves us to mention bad breath here. I might have a freakish sensitivity to it, but you have to admit that bad breath can really cook that asparagus, so to speak.

HISTORY
It might be just me, but the discussion of all your past conquests and dalliances sends me to a place that is not sexual. I don't begrudge you a history. Everybody has one (including me). But please indulge my desire to fool myself into thinking I'm the only one you've ever really loved. I'll do the same for you.

HANG-UPS
This is often an off-shoot from the History or Medical category. But your weird hang ups that have made you unable to "go there" (wherever there might be) kind of make me not want to go anywhere with you (especially if they're medical or stem from some bizarre incident in your past). If a person cares about another person, then they talk things out in a loving way, and listen to one another. And that is beautiful. But in order to get in the mood, I just might require a warming up period during which I can forget your story of what the homeopathic doctors did to you.

INEBRIATION
Yes, alcohol (or, really, chemically induced impairment of any kind) is turn-off of EPIC proportions. There are few things less attractive than a person who has drank themselves into a state of wantonness. The Cougar who was after me in the bar might have gotten at least a dance if I hadn't been convinced I'd have to prop her up out on the floor. (And actually, the insidious music might have had something to do with it: Mustang Sally just might deserve its very own category--so more on that later). Even in high school, the girl who wouldn't give me the time of day sober, who suddenly couldn't keep her hands of me when under the influence, made me want to throw up. Of course, later, I was the one who must have done something wrong, judging from the way she was throwing up (which again made me want to throw up). Take heed, all you teenagers (and adults who never left adolescence): The lazy eyes, the beer stained breath, the stagger and sway, the inability to comprehend what you are doing, all theses make your partner wish they were with someone else.

CLASSIC ROCK
In fact, any reference, be it in art, conversation, or fashion, to the bygone days when bad hygiene, chemical impairment, sexual escapades with random partners and copious amounts of body hair were the norm, is a sure fire way to kill desire. Those were not pretty times, and you can hear the greasy, drunken, hairy, orange-tinted grotesque of it all seeping through the music.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM
I wasn't going to give precedence to one turn-off over another, but upon further reflection, Low self-esteem is without doubt the biggest and most nefarious of them all. Because in the end, no matter what they think they want or how ingeniously they go about getting it, people with a low opinion of themselves can only really curry pity. And intimacy and pity do not mix. At least not very well. Come to think of it, I have a distinct feeling that a good deal of the women who have associated with me did so out of pity. Which doesn't mean I'm reversing myself on the issue. Only that I feel sorry for them. Which also means that retroactively I'm significantly less attracted to them.

Simply avoid the ten contingencies on this list and you should have a happy, fulfilling, undistracted love life. Good luck.