Evolution

I didn't get the male orangutan.

Nature fitted him with ridiculous flaps on either side of his beady little eyes, flaps which seem to grow bigger and thicker the wiser (and more comically inspirational he becomes.) But think about it. This poor creature suffers from Nature's worst case of biological tunnel vision.

I said to myself: "I'm not falling for his crap." He can't even see past his own face! How can that be a biological imperative? How can a complete lack of peripheral vision be an advantageous mutation that gets passed on? And if they truly are our relations, how then could my parents forbid me from wearing that Batman mask at Halloween, on the grounds that it restricted my vision and would inevitably result in me getting hit by a car?

But then I remembered what really drives biology: Sex, and its accomplice, Fashion.

Somewhere in the annals of Time, some orange haired ape chick said: "Look at the cheeks on that one!" And he got all the tail. And then his kids got all the tail. And just when face flaps were about to go out of style, the ingenious (read: horny) males let spread a rumor amongst the women of the jungle. A bawdy little myth that linked flap size with penis size. Then it was all over.

No male orangutan since has seen anything to his right nor to his left.

It makes perfect sense.