A New Orientation

Scrolling through the archives, the realization came that an important socio-medical issue has not been addressed.

We know about Hetero, Homo, and Bi. These are the sexuals as they currently stand. One might also include the -philes: the Zoo, the Necro, and (try as you might to stop them) the Pedo. These have an established academic value.
(Before getting to the point, let us quickly dismiss the thousand and one kinks as subcategories too small for relevance. We won't presume to tell you to stop smelling belly lint or to desist all relations with imaginary 100-foot-tall women. We simply relegate you for the moment to the statistically undifferentiated file.)

But we hereby propose a new, instantly vital, and heretofore marginalized sexual orientation: The Ultrasexual.

What is an Ultra?
In a nutshell, Ultras are a subgroup of both orientations, consisting of people who, quite simply, experience a stronger biochemical sexual response than others. For a combination of emotional and physical reasons, their desire for, preoccupation with, and enjoyment of sex is greater than their peers. These individuals are not necessarily dirty, or even Drrrty, but having that initial jolt of attraction multiplied by a factor of 10 or more (and sustained past the point where most people simply get over it) often sets them up for behavior and commentary that might appear crude to average hetero or homo sexuals. It must here be stressed that we are not talking about hormone addled frat boys or the macho posturing of construction workers--though there may be closeted ultrasexuals in both categories. Neither do we here refer to the common nymphomaniac who is trying to get back at Daddy by giving herself to the football team. No, we speak of a biological reality that exists from birth. Exhibitionism and crudity are not necessarily indicators.

Are you Ultra?
There is currently no clinically definitive way to determine your status. Initial surveys were considered flawed because questions like "Have you ever said no to sex?" ended up putting horndogs, girls with low self esteem, and people who have never been asked in the same category. None of these, strictly speaking, are Ultrasexual. Early stage focus groups were equally ineffective, as suspected Ultrasexuals often paired up and took off during the first coffee break, leaving people who were simply lonely or deprived to stay and either giggle and titter, or complain.
In general however, studies do confirm that unconfused Bisexuals are predominantly Ultra, as are rock stars, pouty secretaries, the cloistered writers of shows like Friends and Grey's Anatomy, Hawkeye Pierce, James Bond, and upper echelon right wing religious and political leaders.
Interestingly, several individuals and groups have been confidently excluded from Ultra status. For example, it turns out that pizza delivery boys are simply zen like, go-with-the-flow types who could really take it or leave it. Researchers were most surprised when the data indicated that Bill Clinton, who they thought would be the poster child of Ultrasexuality, was a simple charismatic horndog with a craving for power and a multitude of reasons to get away from his wife.

Further research will have to determine the social implications of Ultrasexuality, and what legislation should be considered to protect Ultras from discrimination by "normals," (the derisive term they use to designate the non-ultra majority).

Above all, the public is urged to remember that Ultrasexuality is not a problem in and of itself. It is hoped that acceptance and understanding will increase with awareness.

Ultrasexuals are people too.